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If I had a resolution - But here in my heart, I give you the best of my love.

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February 26th, 2007


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09:25 pm - If I had a resolution
I think I've decided to accept my personal behavior like a man.

Instead of being a girl and looking for personal fault in my dealings, and apologizing and trying to "fix" the problem I see in myself, I'm going to do what the men seem to do. I'm going to explain (at length, although how long is certainly optional) why I did what I did, and maybe I'll add in why that's the entirely correct thing to do. It's not a question of justifying bad behavior. Let's not put value judgments on this, it's merely explaining why I'm right. When it's clear there's a disconnect, and it's equally clear that I'm right, why should I apologize and try to "get along" with people or suppress my natural feelings and impulses? Let them, try to get along with me or not. They can explain to me (although I can tune it out if I want) why they're justified in their behaviors and I can explain to them why I'm justified. It all works out and everyone's happy, right?
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
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Comments:


[User Picture]
From:lizzielizzie
Date:February 27th, 2007 02:54 am (UTC)
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You can apologize for hurting someone's feelings -and- be right. I think that men forget the "apologize for hurting someone's feelings" part.
[User Picture]
From:enochs_fable
Date:February 27th, 2007 01:41 pm (UTC)

apologizing for hurting feelings

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I'm a man.

I think that one has to be very careful with "I'm sorry your feelings were hurt," to avoid coming off completely insincere, and making noises of apology without actually apologizing.

It reminds me of an interaction with a (female) friend where she once blew up at me unnecessarily during a discussion, and later said, "I'm sorry you feel hurt." No. That didn't count as an apology in my book, and I told her so. I was hurt because she was unkind to me. She apologized for snapping at me, and we moved on.

Now if it was a different situation where she felt her actions were justified, say hypothetically I provoked her, I could see her saying, "Look, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, but BLAH is a real sore spot with me right now." That's a careful way of smoothing things over - without apologizing for the justified reaction, just the effect.
[User Picture]
From:lizzielizzie
Date:February 27th, 2007 06:55 pm (UTC)

Re: apologizing for hurting feelings

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I find that folks are far too often concerned with being right, and thus there's all the explaining about why their position is Right and what that translates to me is, "You have no good reason to feel the way you do, because I am right." You know what? Feelings aren't always rational, and to try to downplay someone's feelings because you are convinced that you are right is just...ugh. It's a -huge- pet peeve of mine. And it doesn't matter at all if you are right, really. Someone's feelings were hurt, and you can be sorry that happened even if you are right.
[User Picture]
From:enochs_fable
Date:February 27th, 2007 07:22 pm (UTC)

Re: apologizing for hurting feelings

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I don't think anything you wrote is inconsistent with what I wrote - it complements nicely. There's nothing wrong with acknowledging someone's hurt in a genuine fashion.

What I was criticizing, really, was the fact that often I hear people saying "I'm sorry you feel hurt," and it's nothing, it's make-nice - it comes out so flip that a small twitch to the tone can make it into a snide insult. I often hear it used by people who have been nasty to other people, and then want to shift the blame. They weren't nasty, you were just hurt (the implication being that you're too thin-skinned, I suppose.)

So in a way, at least as I've seen it, it's not quite the same as what you're talking about, since you're starting from the stance of genuine concern for the other person's feelings.

This is not to say I haven't heard masterful and honest acknowledgements of hurt feelings, because I have, just that they tend to actually be more substantive: "I can understand how much this bothers you.. etc."
[User Picture]
From:lizzielizzie
Date:February 27th, 2007 07:49 pm (UTC)

Re: apologizing for hurting feelings

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Yeah, I've seen it done (and used to do it myself a lot) - where the person "apologizes" for hurt feelings without taking responsibility for their part in creating the hurt feelings. That goes back to the "that's just how [person] is" stuff - consistently poor behavior doesn't make for acceptable behavior.

And I do think there are instances when a person is too thin-skinned - some people just assume the worst in everyone else and take even the simplest statements badly. I'm never quite sure what to do in those cases - I almost don't want to apologize because it just perpetuates an already bad way of being.
[User Picture]
From:enochs_fable
Date:February 27th, 2007 08:15 pm (UTC)

Re: apologizing for hurting feelings

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And I do think there are instances when a person is too thin-skinned - some people just assume the worst in everyone else and take even the simplest statements badly.

Yeah, and I've seen people blow that up to biblical proportions, and it's never pretty. Especially when they're wrong, but their "pain" gives them the excuse to act jerky.
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]
From:enochs_fable
Date:February 27th, 2007 01:33 pm (UTC)

replacing one with another

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Sounds like it, alas.
[User Picture]
From:mdyesowitch
Date:February 27th, 2007 02:53 pm (UTC)

Re: replacing one with another

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I know. It's dreadfully immmature to replace one generalization with another, but I feel like I'm doing all the work to keep things stable and adapting to accomodate other people while they sit on their butts and wait for me to resolve around them.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm the villain or the bumbling idiot. When do I get to be the center of the universe and have people accept me for who I am, instead of expecting me to respond and adapt to who they are?

Yes, I recognize that both extremes are unhealthy, but I want to keep reminding myself that I don't always have to opt for the respond/adapt/improve scenario. Sometimes it's okay to acknowledge/discuss/accept.
[User Picture]
From:enochs_fable
Date:February 27th, 2007 03:14 pm (UTC)

Re: replacing one with another

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I figured it might be something like that. You should definitely not always be the one "managing" the relationship, adapting to the other person. That isn't the same as deciding you're the center of the universe. When you change the script, you change the potential results, and that sounds like what you have to do - if you're always the one adapting, then maybe you point that out, don't give ground and explain why.

Sounds like it's time for a Talk.
From:lain_mac
Date:February 27th, 2007 02:15 pm (UTC)

Great, now I've got that Frankie Valli song stuck in my head

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Walk like a man, talk like a man
Walk like a man my son

But seriously, on first take what you describe sounds so very "Hoppie". However, if you mean that when you believe that you are right and correct that you won't be conceding just to keep things light and lively, then I'm down with that (even when directed at me.)
[User Picture]
From:mdyesowitch
Date:February 27th, 2007 02:57 pm (UTC)

Re: Great, now I've got that Frankie Valli song stuck in my head

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It isn't just hoppie. It seems like in all my controversial dealings, it's me who's doing the changing. I know intellectually that isn't true, because people (by which I mean women, generally) do adapt to my needs and frame their conversations based on what I'm feeling (like scaling down baby gushing, etc.), but it feels like the old "DaBoss" saw again, "It's just his way." "Maybe he's lonely." but how do these things excuse rudeness or lack of consideration, or just plain orneriness?
[User Picture]
From:enochs_fable
Date:February 27th, 2007 03:17 pm (UTC)

Re: Great, now I've got that Frankie Valli song stuck in my head

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They don't excuse it.

The middle way, I think, is to pick your battles - and then know when and how to push back, and not be the one who's adapting.

If you know, intellectually, that it's not always you doing the backing down, the real question to investigate is, then, why do you feel that it is?
From:lain_mac
Date:February 27th, 2007 05:53 pm (UTC)

Diva on, girlfriend!

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"It's just his way." ARRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!

to paraphrase Yosemite Sam ~ "Them's fightin' words."

I can't say how much I hate that expression.

Just because a person is consistent in their rudeness doesn't excuse the rudeness in any way. As I tell my kids constantly, if you are rude and thoughtless to a person on a regular basis, you should not be surprised when that person doesn't want to play or deal with you.

So if you're saying that you feel it is high time that people say about you:

"Well, you know, that is just how MyDoogie is."

Then I say go for it. Become a Diva! You've got the requisite gloriously big hair that is a standard requirement for the position. Seriously, you are one of the most understanding people I know, and if you're feeling like someone is being rude to you, that person must be being a HUGE HONKIN DUPA.

And, yeah, you shouldn't have to put up with that. No one should.


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