June 4th, 2007
|04:45 pm - And the sounds we make together is the music to the story in your eyes|
It's a personality quirk that I can't seem to outgrow that the closer something is to my heart, the less able I am to talk about it. My language becomes more obscure, and I speak about difficult topics only by allusion. I can tell when something is close to my heart (beyond the obvious) because when I try to talk about it, I can't get the words out. I just stumble around and fumble for what to say, and I'm forced to use other techniques, like words substitutions to work through it.
Actually, I've always treated it the same way I learned to treat my stutter. (What stutter? See, I did a pretty good job!) It is effectively another form of stuttering. The problem is that what works well with physical stuttering doesn't work as well with mental stutteirng. Ending-around, or word substitution gets you through the physical stutter with barely a noticeable transition. Referring to things in the most oblique terms as I do with my mental stutter or omitting whole words from my thoughts entirely doesn't exactly allow effective communication.
And that doesn't address the emotional backlash when your nearest and dearest are mad because "you didn't tell them something." "I did. You just didn't understand it." doesn't exactly provide a durable framework on which to build.
What's the point?
I had a difficult conversation with hoppie this weekend. There's a lot of things I didn't say in our conversation. But there's a lot of things I did say. And I think he got most of both. So I'm grateful that hoppie through long years of experience has learned to look as much at what I try and fail to say as he does at what I actually can say.
Also, as much as I've worked to say the things I can't, I may have to accept that I'll never get any better. That when I try to say these things, I'll find myself unable to say anything at all, stuttering, getting physically cold, or shaking. And that may be really as good as it ever gets.
Thank goodness for blogs. On blogs, there are mental blocks, but no mental stuttering (that you know of, heh heh heh).
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Chicago "Hard Habit to Break" (yes, really. Just coincidence.)
Thank goodness for blogs. On blogs, there are mental blocks, but no mental stuttering
This is one of the big reasons I like blogs and email more than phones or face-to-face, when it comes to certain touchy topics. I know that I hate being put on the spot for big decisions and deep discusions, so I try very hard to avoid doing that to other folks. I suppose some would call it "cowardice", though.
I wish that were all it were. If we were truly cowards, we'd create excuses to justify our behavior and be all set. Real cowards don't usually have to face the idea that they're cowards. They think they're brave and behaving logically. It's only we on the outside who recognize cowardice.
What's the handbook tag mean? handbook to understanding you?
I can relate to that mental stutter. I struggle with it for the same reasons. Maybe sometimes speaking the truth is terrifying, and my tongue cleaves to the roof of my mouth, and I'm left speechless until I can find a way around. It's a life-long challenge I think, to find a way through.
Yup, that's exactly what it is. I stole the idea from thelizzie
But I suppose you're right. What was that Woody Allen joke, the Rebbe of St. Petersburg used to confuse the evil inclination by giving in without a struggle? I suppose that even though it's tiring to try to work through, I can't just say, "Oh well, it will never get any better than this," and give up. That was just yesterday talking. Today is much more optimistic.