June 27th, 2003

Fairytale Princess Amy

perhaps because I haven't had enough sleep...

I'm thinking about perceptions and self-image. It started yesterday when I came across someone's live journal who I'd known at some point in my life. I was surprised by said user's self-description which was, if not completely apposite, at least relatively irreconsilable with my experience. The more I thought about it, the more troubled I was. I've always accepted a certain amount of self-delusion. We all try to portray ourselves as ultimately loveable and of value (unless we are truely unwell, which is a different subject, and yet even in the unwell/depressed/unworthy people, I've seen a certain arrogance and ego - like "look at me. I'm so depressed. I can do nothing but focus on myself and deal with myself. Everyone else can go hang. Oh, I'm so unworthy." Did I get off on a tanget? Bad doogie!). It has led me back to that oft-quoted phrase "Truth is a triple edged sword: your side, their side, and the truth."
We all have to do what we have to do to be able to live with ourselves, but how much self-delusion is permitted? I've been talking with a spin-doctor on IRC who can take everything someone says and find an argument (or two). If ones go along with the crowd, one is a sheep. If one defies the crowd or breaks new ground, one is devisive and contrary to the will of the people. For every action I (or others) take that he doesn't like, he finds a way to make it the wrong thing. Is he actually fooled by his arguments? Or does he think I am? Have you stopped beating your wife yet?
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We installed a window airconditioner in the bedroom last night. It's loud and I think I woke up nearly every time the fan shifted speeds. I don't know how we're going to deal with this. Maybe leave the fan on low? The only time I've ever used a window airco is when I was borrowing from Tril, and I don't remember theirs being this loud (of course ours has a remote control and timer, which theirs didn't have (because this is before remotes were the cool thing)), so if anyone has any suggestions, I'm definitely open. I suppose taking it back is an option, but I'd prefer not to.
-m