June 4th, 2007

Gargamel

And the sounds we make together is the music to the story in your eyes

It's a personality quirk that I can't seem to outgrow that the closer something is to my heart, the less able I am to talk about it. My language becomes more obscure, and I speak about difficult topics only by allusion. I can tell when something is close to my heart (beyond the obvious) because when I try to talk about it, I can't get the words out. I just stumble around and fumble for what to say, and I'm forced to use other techniques, like words substitutions to work through it.

Actually, I've always treated it the same way I learned to treat my stutter. (What stutter? See, I did a pretty good job!) It is effectively another form of stuttering. The problem is that what works well with physical stuttering doesn't work as well with mental stutteirng. Ending-around, or word substitution gets you through the physical stutter with barely a noticeable transition. Referring to things in the most oblique terms as I do with my mental stutter or omitting whole words from my thoughts entirely doesn't exactly allow effective communication.

And that doesn't address the emotional backlash when your nearest and dearest are mad because "you didn't tell them something." "I did. You just didn't understand it." doesn't exactly provide a durable framework on which to build.

What's the point?

I had a difficult conversation with hoppie this weekend. There's a lot of things I didn't say in our conversation. But there's a lot of things I did say. And I think he got most of both. So I'm grateful that hoppie through long years of experience has learned to look as much at what I try and fail to say as he does at what I actually can say.

Also, as much as I've worked to say the things I can't, I may have to accept that I'll never get any better. That when I try to say these things, I'll find myself unable to say anything at all, stuttering, getting physically cold, or shaking. And that may be really as good as it ever gets.

Thank goodness for blogs. On blogs, there are mental blocks, but no mental stuttering (that you know of, heh heh heh).