awesome ultimate expert hen (mdyesowitch) wrote,
awesome ultimate expert hen

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Services with Warren and (Not) My Mother-in-Law

When did I become this person riddled with irational fears? Travel anxiety, okay, it's one thing. You live with it. It doesn't control you. It's isolated. Manageable by predictability but this irrational fear of suspected crowds has got to go. As I was dressing for synagogue, I could feel myself sweating. The whole way there, my heart felt tight. Irational. Of course, as with travel anxiety, once I was there, and into it, I was fine, or maybe that's because my not-mom-in-law was there so I was comfortable with someone familiar?

Anyway, the point of this that I went to services at a conservative synagogue near my house. It's the one that my new cousin-in-law's mom goes to, so I called her a week or so ago to see if she was going. She was sorta on the fence, but I think knowing I was going made a difference.
We met up before the play. The play was a series of dramatic readings that I'm still thinking about. Part of the problem was that the players didn't project particularly far, so it was hard to hear all of it. Mostly it was about the problems, both self-inflicted and by happenstance, that plague us every day and test our faith.
Faith is tough stuff.
But here's the thing. Brings up many issues? Do irrational fears stem from a lack of faith, or an incomplete faith. I ask myself, "what's the worst that can happen." And I never get any answers, because the worse that can happen is also the best that can happen, resolution. It's the stages in between that kill me. The waiting, the wondering. But what am I wondering about? Will they like me? That hardly even matters. In a room full of complete strangers, almost certainly some of them will like me, others won't and most will be completely indifferent to my existance. This is a known statistical quantity, so, what's to worry about? And yet. Tight heart. Nervous tension. Sweating. If I didn't know better, I'd swear it was a disease I picked up from a former friend of mine.
Anyhow the service was great. I got to find out a bit more about my not-mom-in-law? Is that a bad thing to call us? She calls me "almost family" in Yiddish, so it sounds cool. But my Yiddish is ferkact, you know? And when you say cousin-in-law's mother-in-law, people tend to think you're just too stupid to know the word "aunt." Or they think you mean "aunt" by second marriage and just being churlish. I'm not being churlish, I'm trying to be...relatively descriptive. But you just can't explain it to people. No one gets the relationship. You get it don't you? I mean, you who aren't family. She's hoppie's cousins's wife's mother. See, that's just painful to say. Maybe I gotta learn Yiddish.
Also, before I got disgressed, Warren's choir was wonderful and he's invited me to meet him up at Shul sometimes, although he'll have to explain me, as I look very married whenever I'm in settings like this. At least, "this is a friend I used to work with" is slightly easier to explain in simple words than Zoe's mom.
Zoe's mom also invited me to join her for Yom Kippur. I'm still not sure how best to do that. Maybe I'll hit up the Chabad for Kol Nidre and morning services, then move to Zoe's mom's Temple for their service, then kick it back over to Chabad for Mincha, Maariv, and Neeila.
Makes me yawn just thinking about it, meaning no respect to my respective Diety, should You read this blog, which of course you do. Even if you didn't, you'd read all the thoughts in my head before they even got down on paper. Well, lets nip this train of thought in the bud.
I think I'll have me another cup of water and clean the car. Party on, party people.
Tags: family, friends, religion, thoughts

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