It was a tender moment. I've been running myself ragged all week and hoppie and I were finally together, snuggled up, talking, relaxing, enjoying the pleasure of being near each other, all that sort of thing, and suddenly I felt this stabbing emotional pain that sparked tears.
Why aren't we parents?
We're good people. We're loving people. We have a lot to give. We're prepared to make changes in our lives to accommodate the wee one. So why?
We're doing everything. We're healthy. We're...you know, spending time together socially, like that. We've given ourselves every chance to succeed, so why?
I'm not an insane entitlement witch who believes that good things should come without effort. I've made the effort. I'm continuing to make the effort.
And I'm so tired of all the patronizing that comes with it:
When you're ready, it will happen. What do you mean you think I'm not ready? What do I have to do "be ready" take a friggin' test? Prove that I'm capable of adapting to parenthood. Do they give slut barbie at 12 the freaking test to see if _she's_ ready?
You just have to relax. We're long past the time where I find this relaxing. That was 3 years ago. I was relaxed then. Not frantic. Not worried. Not stressed. Those things I didn't become until much later. But now, all the the sudden it's "Oh, you're too stressed." That's like the explanation in The Princess Bride of why Fezzig is so big, "Oh," say the doctors, "It's because he was born early. That explains it." as if it actually does, when everyone knows it doesn't explain a darn thing.
You have to have faith. No, I have faith. This is just testing it. And I'm okay with that. Because I've been through tests of faith before and come out with the same faith I walked in with. I challenge, I rage, and ultimately, I believe. That's what faith is. Also, faith isn't really solving my problem. I'm not the sort of person who prays for specific things for myself. I just don't believe in it. I've heard many arguments for it, but it still feels selfish to ask G-d for something when so many people in the world have nothing, and I have so much. I prefer to pray for others. So, no, I can't pray for this. I can't break the habits of a lifetime. I've tried. I just can't.