drainedI'm not expecting to grow flowers in the desert....
I was talking with a friend of mine who has a comfortable sized family. Our conversation (paraphrased somewhat.)
Me: now it's official. The entire world is pregnant.
Her: for the record
Her: *I* am NOT pregnant
Ne: Neither is my massage therapist. So it's just us three. But she and I want to be. And the people who've had children within the last two months aren't either. But that makes some sense.
Her: Me too.
Me: do you really?
Her: Yes, but it's looking unlikely. Premature ovarian failure. I'm sad, but I'll deal. We'll try for a bit longer and then we'll stop trying. I totally get that no one (even me) will feel sorry for me for not being able to have another one.
I found myself thinking contradictory things. On the one hand, I feel awful that she's going through this. And all I do is whine about my situation and there are other people in similar situations that I never spare a thought about. And yet, at the same time, I feel so sorry for myself there's almost no room to care about anyone else's issues. Sometimes I feel like I'm crushed beneath the weight of my own self-loathing and self-doubt. And there's hoppie always trying to be strong for me. What's he going though? I never spend the time to care. He's a guy and guys don't "feel" things as keenly as us. Except that they do. And just because hoppie doesn't come home and cry and lament about how if there's nothing physically wrong, what the hell is going on!?, doesn't mean he doesn't feel that way.
I know intellectually that we're all suffering all over the world. Each in our ways with our own issues. And I know I sound stupid naive, but I don't want people to suffer. I want people to be happy and have what they need and want. But mostly I want to stop feeling like this.
Is that selfish?
(comments disabled. It's a rhetorical question.)