February 25th, 2008
|08:57 am - Late night. Long day. Doesn't make much difference to me anyway.|
Slept poorly. Woke up at 1:00 convinced it was time to get up, although I was tired. Told myself if it was earlier than 4, I was NOT getting up. It was 1:00. I couldn't believe it. I just stared at the clock for a long moment as if that would make it later. It had to be later, didn't it? Go back to sleep, you. Troublemaker.
Then at 6:45, I was woken up by two of my friend, a married couple, having a screaming fight all the way upstairs. I couldn't understand why they were carrying on so, when they knew there were people sleeping in the house. The wife came into the bedroom. (Hoppie is still sleeping, well, not sleeping, in bed. No one could sleep through that.) "Oh, you're not ready to go."
"Of course we're not ready. It's 6:45 in the morning."
"Oh. We're ready."
"I can follow you. I can be ready by 7:15."
"Oh, I'll wait. [husband] can go on without me."
Then she walked into the room, around the foot of the bed and into the connected room (dressing room? bathroom?) that doesn't actually exist. Since it's obvious at this point that it's a dream, I'll point out that this isn't taking place at my house, it's happening at my parents house. Hoppie and I are sleeping in my old bedroom. Sighing, I got up, and went to the bathroom to get ready. (The real bathroom. The one across the hall. With the noisy water taps that don't quite work.) I turn on the water and it does it usually sputtery whiny thing. At some point I woke up and realized it was actually like 4something.
I woke up a couple more times because finally giving up at 5:30ish. I feel like a zombie. A zombie with elbow pains.
I keep trying to get over my disbelief. My mind utterly rejects it. When is it going to hit 5:00 without me expecting the phone to ring?
Maybe the universe is trying to protect me from Scott's, um, remarks. I can't read them without crying. What would happen if I'd actually heard them? I'm not happy with the world right now.
I'm at my max user icon limit! Wow.
Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: Big Country "In a Big Country"
|Date:||February 25th, 2008 02:10 pm (UTC)|| |
I wish so much I could offer you comfort, but I can't find any for myself right now. Each day gets worse, each service makes it more horribly real. I can't face the future beyond a couple of days because my mind refuses to face a world without him.
People keep telling me how much he loved me, it is supposed to help the pain. I hope you know how much he loved you too, and how grateful I am that he brought me into your life and that you are letting me stay there.
I do want you to hear Scott's words. They are incredibly painful, but there is so much love in them and in the reactions of the people who are listening to them. We are not alone, even though it feels very much like we are.
I can't even imagine. I haven't even been able to bring myself to play the recordings I have. It boggles the mind that such a strong person isn't here anymore.
Anyway, you shouldn't have to be giving me comfort. I should be comforting you. I just have to find a way to do that.
*hugs* I'm glad I got to see you on Sunday. :-)