awesome ultimate expert hen (mdyesowitch) wrote,
awesome ultimate expert hen

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Futility and compensation

Let me begin by stating that I don't believe in quid pro quo in matters of the universe. I know there's no balance sheet. No promise that, overall, life is okay: there are ups and downs, but everything balances out. I don't know if I ever believed it, or when I stopped believing it, but I don't believe it.

That said, I find myself thinking in terms of compensation and reward. I feel like if I could just do this one thing right, it would have reverberations that would make other things, unrelated, right. It's a chaos theory boxed up in the trappings of karma. I was told that I was doing something useful (with a suggestion for how to make it even more useful....go figure), and I thought, is this the thing that puts me over the edge? The thing that tips the balance?

Do actions drive you towards goals. Sometimes I feel like I'm buying a TV stand and hoping I'll win the TV to put on it. Like if I make everything ready for the TV, it will magically appear. But what if I can never have the TV? Am I wasting all this time, cleaning space for it, buying the stand, and the all the component parts? But I've got this feeling that if the nest is ready, the TV will appear. And with every component I notch into place, I think, maybe this will be the action that completes the background work, the final element that will cause the TV to descend amidst fanfare.

I admit this is an imperfect analogy, because a TV has a clear path to achieving it: saving and research. Other things don't come with clear paths and orderly progressions. I keep reminding myself that if the TV appears I won't feel stupid for wasting all this time preparing for it. And if it doesn't, no one will ever know how much time and energy I've invested in a TV that will never show up. At least, no one but me. And at the same time, I recognize that there's no correlation between setting up a TV stand and getting a TV. These things are no dependant factors. But thinking these thoughts are my way of asserting control in an area where I don't have a lot of control or choice. Like providing small goals to lure me closer to a larger goal, even if the path is illusory. Just another way to keep hope alive, to feel like I'm experiencing forward momentum.

Is this making any sense?
Tags: life, natural process, thoughts

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