It's hard to explain that foetal monitoring, while it was touted as the cure-all for baby monitoring and its ability to reduce interventions by showing when they aren't needed, has led to increased interventions, because the baby does different things. Doctors want to see feotal movements etc, and if the baby is asleep, or in a hard to monitor position, they aren't going to see what they want anyway. I'm trying so hard to be compassionate to my doctors who I know ultimately want the same goal as me, a healthy, live baby, but they have no faith in *me*. They only trust their medical science. I trust both myself and the science. I can do this. They look at me and see OaF and never look any further. They expect the "typical" OaF problems; high pressure (don't have it), gestational diabetes (don't have it), small baby (baby is tracking perfectly for age)...etc. I look at me and see a strong, determined, capable woman who is fully capable of giving birth to a child. While my intention is to give birth in a hospital, surrounded by medical professionals, I believe that if I went into labour on a bus, I'd be able to deliver a healthy, if uncomfortable baby. Not that I'd be on a bus, but the point remains. I feel confident in my ability to give birth. Am I going to deliberately go out into the cane fields and give birth there and continue with my threshing, probably not, but I know that I could, if I needed to. Infertility does not automatically equal childbirth failure. OaF does not automatically mean that my baby is at risk every second I carry him or her.
So to be lectured by this sanctimonious bitch who thinks she has the one true and perfect method of childbirth, which is "listen to your doctor," is laughable. It's not my doctor's baby. It's mine. I'm not trying to be controlling or anti-authoritarian. I just want things to make sense, to be logical and appropriate. The level of intervention I'm getting is already excessive. I have NO DESIRE to increase it. And she doesn't get that. To her, because I'm OaF, she sides with the doctor, who understands these things. I've seen doctors confused before. I had a GP for 12 years who was constantly frustrated by my excellent blood work, because he expected me to have high blood pressure and high cholesterol. He was angry because the only argument he could offer for me losing weight was for its own sake, not because I had other metrics that needed controlling through weight loss and proper nutrition. I had an eye doctor who gave me vision test and couldn't understand how my eyes work and finally screamed me in his frustration.
("Are you seeing this double?"
"Are you seeing this double?"
I described these incidents to Hoppie who, whenever he would accompany me to doctor's appointments started looking for incidents like this, where the doctor would disregard the evidence of his tests in favor of the evidence of his eyes and assume there had to be something wrong me, and later point out all the times in which the doctor assumed there was some problem with me that wasn't born out by any evidence.
And then, to top it off, when I said that Hoppie was going to my appointments with me, she tore into me for that. "Why can't you go by yourself. You're a big girl." Wait a second. Why should I have to go alone? I like having a second set of ears to verify what I heard and to bring another perspective to the table. It's like having a sanity check. While I don't think he needs to to the foetal monitoring, that doesn't mean I want to spend hours at a hospital strapped up to monitoring equipment by myself. And I couldn't believe Ellen sided with her on that. That was disappointing. I thought she'd understand. She goes with Lester to his appointments (and I assume vice/versa). And, in fairness, I go with Hoppie to most of his appointments. He prefers not to go alone so it's possible to make the time, I go with him. I don't take him to most of my appointments. I didn't make him do the shots, but I've been so happy to have him along with me at my ob appointments and at the RE consults. And why wouldn't he be there. With a checkup at the GPs, okay, maybe there's no reason to have him there, it is, after all, my body, but at the OBs, we're looking at his baby too, not just mine. I did give him the option of not going with me to the anesthesiologist appointment I have today, but he said he wanted to come. He has questions about the process and wants to clarify his position in case he needs to either solicit their help, or defend me against it, as the situation warrants.
And furthermore, what the hell business is it of hers how many times I go to the doctor or whether Hoppie comes with me? She had her kids and made her choices. This is my kid and my choice is what matters. I will NOT do any to wantonly endanger my baby. And how come when Robin the Midwife (who btw, is a Certified CBE, doula, midwife, has written more than 10 books on childbirth and childbirth education, and has advanced degrees in the subject) provides information, she has, "one opinion" on the matter, but my doctor is magically perfect? Why don't they each have one opinion that I could choose from.
Even the midwife at the doctor's office thinks the high level of monitoring I'm experiencing is excessive given the way the baby is performing.
I was going to include my nightmare, but this went long.
*When I told this to my current optometrist (and there's a reason he's my current), he explained that because of the fact that my eyes are so different, I don't usually binocular focus, and therefore, wouldn't see anything double because only one eye is ever really seeing something. Furthermore, my brain is accustomed to this and automatically compensates to create depth perceptions, usually the responsibility of binocular focus. My depth perception, judging by my ability at spacial relations, is actually quite good.