I don't mind admitted that my priorities are screwed up. I spend much more time with Frank than I have available and I wish I had more time to spend with him, because he's still fun.
Hoppie deeply resents the time I spend with Frank, as is his right as my husband, but he doesn't provide pleasurable alternative to Frank. I have no intention of becoming a TiVo zombie, "Oh, I can't go to bed now, I have to watch X on TiVo before it expires." Let the fucking thing expire. How important is it? I admit, I would prefer to see The Green Hornet episodes that I haven't seen before, but I think I have reasonable limits for the number of shows I maintain in my head at any given time. For instance: even though I haven't seen all of Charmed, I made a decision that I wouldn't TiVo the daily reruns because I knew it would be too much to keep up with. Hoppie on the other hand TiVo'd The Avengers throughout the entire Cathy Gale series on Mystery network? Why not? You ask. BECAUSE WE OWN ALL OF THE CATHY GALE AVENGERS! (We own most of the Avengers series on DVD. We lack Dr. David Keel and we only have the first Tara season, but as Dr. D doesn't wear tight skimpy clothing and Tara is a whiny little twit*, we don't really want to see those anyway) And we have for years. But he doesn't watch DVDs.
Only TiVo because he has to keep ahead of what's recorded on TiVo. If would never occur to him to, oh, I don't know, record one less thing and use that time to watch it on DVD, because "we have to keep up with TiVo." It's insane. Hoppie just keeps shoving more and more on the list and being mad at me because I don't consider it important enough to a) stay awake b) keep away from Frank or c) stay home for. I don't mind spending quality time with hoppie, but I'm tired of being quality TV time. If I'm going to be staring at a screen, I'd just rather be typing, that's all.
*Yes, I know, some people don't consider Tara a whiny little twit. They're odd.
It doesn't cost me anything to lie. I spend a great teal of time convincing myself that it compromises my soul. It sullies my spirit. Blah blah blah, but the truth be told, it costs me nothing. The truth on the other hand, is unendurably costly. I'm tired of paying the price. Other people profit from my honesty, but I don't. And no matter how much I tell myself that I'm okay with that, that my soul is enriched, that I am somehow enobled by this, I don't feel any more noble. I feel bitter and grouchy. I feel like I always end up with the short end of the stick somehow. I guess we probably all feel that way.
And probably many of us can point to the exact cost in monitary values, time, effort, and sheer goodwill that our noblility has cost us. I don't know what you're supposed to take away from this. I have no action item here, no: damnit appreciate me, or I'll start lying and cheating and usuring and all that stuff. I just want someone to know that I know what it's costing me, that periodically I evaluate the price of honesty, and that, damnit, most of the time it's not worth it.
And by the way, If I see this on u_make_lj_suck, I will mock the poster soundly. Why? Because I was gracious and slipped this behind cut tags. Oh, the angst.
And I'm done.