Okay, enough of that. I had a bad dream involving
So hoppie and I are somewhere andd BEF shows up and he's really making an impassioned plea for me to leave hoppie and return to him. At first I'm not even slightly tempted. You know, we've made our decisions. They're the ones we should keep with. And I'm happy with mine. And he has a wife, I have a husband etc. And this goes on for many days, and hoppie's not a patient man. One night we're at dinner (still in the dream) and hoppie calls me over to him and pulls me down onto his lap and kisses me, making the point that he has no intention of giving me up. But BEF is persistant, he keeps reminding me how hot we were together, how much we enjoyed each other, how much humanity and motivation and inspiration I gave him. I ask about his wife (this is one of many times) and he tells me they're still hot, but he doesn't feel attached to the human race the way he did when he was with me. I kept him involved and grounded and real. Well what about the kids? And he says he loves them, of course he does. But how would he see them if he was with me in Boston and they were wherever she was? And who says he'd be able to see them. They're her kids, you know? It's all very confusing.
I've always thought how much I'd like to have two guys fighting over me, but it's just embarassing and it makes me feel guilty. Hoppie shouldn't have to suffer for the mistakes I made before him, you know? But I feel like I always do in awkward situations, how many times can you say no before the guilt sets in. So I asked a friend what to do, and while I was talking to her, I realized the solution was to talk to BEFs wife and see how she felt about the whole thing. Well, she's miserable. She's distressed that she's in Boston. She's depressed that he wants to leave her. She tells me that it's been that way ever since she had "the operation" (which I get the vague feeling is a hystorectamy (I know, probably spelled wrong)), he doesn't find her attractive anymore and she wished he was interested in the kids (the implication is sexually which is just wrong) so he'd stay with her. My friend suggests she find him a mistress, like Jacob did for Rachel when she was childless, and that image was sick and wrong too. With each disgusting suggestion I withdraw further from their apartment and finally return to my own apartment.
BEF is there. I confront him with what I know now. He's not interested in me and he never was. He just wants to feel like a potent, powerful, sexual man. So we have violent semi-consentual sex, because it's hot and it feels like it's worth it to be rid of him. And he shows me a check for 10,000$ made out to me (don't know who's bank it's on or where it comes from) which I sign over to him, and you know, that was worth it too. Then all hell breaks loose. My great aunt (gone many years) comes in waving a paper saying a notorious forger is believed to have left Texas and that check I signed isn't the only forged one he has. I'm worried that it will come out that I just boffed him, but then it doesn't seem all that important. Then while they're still screaming, I wake up.
So I woke hoppie up and make him listen to my dream. It's not easy to tell him, but he's always good. He holds my hand and assures me I will never have to sleep with BEF again. And with luck, I'll never even see him again.
When I saw my neurologist last time, she told me that proper diet and excersize could allow feelings to surface that I've surpressed and now have to face without barriers. I wonder if I'm burning off some of that unresolved guilt from the way things ended.